Did you see Tim today?
Yes.
Describe your day.
I woke up this morning at 9 am and helped Caroline get Quinn and Sammy ready to go to Birch Run and Frankenmuth. The drive there was a little chaotic. We stopped at Starbucks for some caffeine and then got on the road. But not for long. We had to use the restroom so we stopped at a restaurant. We then got back on the road and Sammy started screaming so we got off at an exit and pulled into a carpool lot. We only stopped twice but they delayed our trip a little bit. Once we got to Birch Run, we did a little shopping. The kids were very good and Quinn even got to try on some heels at Nine West. It was adorable.
Once we finished shopping, we drove to Frankenmuth and got lunch at Bavarian Inn. It was a little chaotic. Quinn didn't want to stay still for very long and Sammy needed constant entertainment but we enjoyed our lunch as best as possible. Half way through our meals the kids got restless so Caroline handed me her debit card, told me to leave a tip on the card and took the kids out into the lobby. I paid and joined them. I returned Caroline's debit card to her and we went on our way to the bathroom upstairs. After that we left the Bavarian Inn and went outside. Quinn got to look at the horses standing outside while I took the food and the diaper bag to the car. After I got back we took some photos at one of those head-hole things.
Then we decided to find a patch of grass so that Sammy could move around a little bit when Caroline realized that she lost her debit card. She had put it in her pocket amidst all of the chaos and it was now gone... she retraced her steps and then I did so, as well, when she got back... but no luck. Next we went to a fudge shop and picked up some fudge and then on to a kids toy shop that we almost couldn't get Quinn out of. After that, though, we left and made our way home with ease.
Around 7:45, Tim picked me up to drive out to MJR for a couples night. We met up with Pete, Taylor, Drew, Brandy, Jesse and Kelly to see Despicable Me 2, which was adorable and hilarious. It cracked me up and I'm not ashamed to say I probably had the dorkiest laughter in our group. Unfortunately, though, I am starting to feel weary of my relationship with Tim. On the ride home, I was very quiet. I didn't want to be, honestly. But it was hard. He took my hand on the way home, which was a surprise because that is rare lately, but it felt nice.
Tim took me home and then I watched the second half of Dance Moms with Caroline before she went to bed and now... here I am.
What made you happy today?
Quinn and Sammy have been really getting me through lately. I'm going to be very sad when they leave. Also, Despicable Me 2 put a smile on my face.
Was there anything bad about today?
When Tim pulled up in front of my house, I had to say what was on my mind. I feel like our relationship is dwindling and I'm not happy anymore. This led us into a sort of argument placing blame on each other and saying what each other has done wrong.
My points:
1. I constantly feel fat because of how often he says things about my eating habits, how I don't work out enough and how "sloppy" I am being. My confidence level is dropping significantly and I am becoming more and more sensitive to the subject by the day.
2. The little things are disappearing from our relationship. The hand-holding, kissing me randomly on the cheek, the forehead, etc, and even the conversation is lacking. We communicate through bitter remarks and arguments but neither of us can 100% accept how the other feels without getting defensive.
3. One thing I said tonight that I liked was that when I am upset about something in our relationship, I'm usually not going to sit there and talk about what I'm doing wrong because what I'm doing wrong isn't bothering me. It's what he is doing wrong that is bothering me and that is why I am discussing it. Also, I don't bottle things up. If I were to bottle them up, eventually the relationship would be over because he would never know when he is doing something wrong and would never have the opportunity to fix it.
Tim's points:
1. He became more attracted to me when I had a passion for something. I admit that I don't really have a passion for anything right now. I'm not in school, I hate my job and yes, I've slacked on working out lately.
2. It is like we are going around in circles. For a few months we are really good and then for a few months we get bad again. And it happens over and over again. We keep repeating this cycle and it seems to be wearing us down.
3. I am hypersensitive to the things he says and does and it is aggravating that I constantly think that he is annoyed with me. I understand that... I get that.
Is there anything about today that you would do differently?
I would smile more. My smiles are lacking in our relationship lately and I just want to smile. And laugh. Enjoy each other. And have a good conversation and maybe get to know each other more every day instead of sitting at a stand-still.
Did you learn anything about yourself?
I learned that I may be maturing a little bit by the way I tried to handle the situation tonight. I tried to stay calm and I also tried to be rational about the conversation. I admit that I regressed a little bit when it came to Tim telling me what is wrong with me. I notice sometimes that I act like a child throwing a temper tantrum. I'm also learning that I'm the kind of person who doesn't want to hear it from other people.
Did you learn anything about Tim?
I saw a more sensitive side of Tim tonight than I've seen lately. When I went to hug him, it just felt good. Those are the kind of moments I think I need. And when he whispered the "I'm sorry" into my ear, it felt genuine. Sometimes his sorry's are just to shut me up but he meant this one. And the "I couldn't live without you" hit home.
Additional comments:
I love Tim. So much so that I want to work things out and if this blog helps, then let's do it. I can't imagine a life without him but I want to see things get better so bad. I need to do for him what he needs from me and vice versa. I think what we both need is the other to carry us through the bad times and just to stay positive and understand that we are together in this. It's not about "me", it's about "us".
