i will try to fix you

Did you see Tim today?

Yes.

Describe your day.

I woke up this morning at 9 am and helped Caroline get Quinn and Sammy ready to go to Birch Run and Frankenmuth. The drive there was a little chaotic. We stopped at Starbucks for some caffeine and then got on the road. But not for long. We had to use the restroom so we stopped at a restaurant. We then got back on the road and Sammy started screaming so we got off at an exit and pulled into a carpool lot. We only stopped twice but they delayed our trip a little bit. Once we got to Birch Run, we did a little shopping. The kids were very good and Quinn even got to try on some heels at Nine West. It was adorable.

Once we finished shopping, we drove to Frankenmuth and got lunch at Bavarian Inn. It was a little chaotic. Quinn didn't want to stay still for very long and Sammy needed constant entertainment but we enjoyed our lunch as best as possible. Half way through our meals the kids got restless so Caroline handed me her debit card, told me to leave a tip on the card and took the kids out into the lobby. I paid and joined them. I returned Caroline's debit card to her and we went on our way to the bathroom upstairs. After that we left the Bavarian Inn and went outside. Quinn got to look at the horses standing outside while I took the food and the diaper bag to the car. After I got back we took some photos at one of those head-hole things.

Then we decided to find a patch of grass so that Sammy could move around a little bit when Caroline realized that she lost her debit card. She had put it in her pocket amidst all of the chaos and it was now gone... she retraced her steps and then I did so, as well, when she got back... but no luck. Next we went to a fudge shop and picked up some fudge and then on to a kids toy shop that we almost couldn't get Quinn out of. After that, though, we left and made our way home with ease.

Around 7:45, Tim picked me up to drive out to MJR for a couples night. We met up with Pete, Taylor, Drew, Brandy, Jesse and Kelly to see Despicable Me 2, which was adorable and hilarious. It cracked me up and I'm not ashamed to say I probably had the dorkiest laughter in our group. Unfortunately, though, I am starting to feel weary of my relationship with Tim. On the ride home, I was very quiet. I didn't want to be, honestly. But it was hard. He took my hand on the way home, which was a surprise because that is rare lately, but it felt nice.

Tim took me home and then I watched the second half of Dance Moms with Caroline before she went to bed and now... here I am.

What made you happy today?

Quinn and Sammy have been really getting me through lately. I'm going to be very sad when they leave. Also, Despicable Me 2 put a smile on my face.

Was there anything bad about today?

When Tim pulled up in front of my house, I had to say what was on my mind. I feel like our relationship is dwindling and I'm not happy anymore. This led us into a sort of argument placing blame on each other and saying what each other has done wrong.

My points:

1. I constantly feel fat because of how often he says things about my eating habits, how I don't work out enough and how "sloppy" I am being. My confidence level is dropping significantly and I am becoming more and more sensitive to the subject by the day.

2. The little things are disappearing from our relationship. The hand-holding, kissing me randomly on the cheek, the forehead, etc, and even the conversation is lacking. We communicate through bitter remarks and arguments but neither of us can 100% accept how the other feels without getting defensive.

3. One thing I said tonight that I liked was that when I am upset about something in our relationship, I'm usually not going to sit there and talk about what I'm doing wrong because what I'm doing wrong isn't bothering me. It's what he is doing wrong that is bothering me and that is why I am discussing it. Also, I don't bottle things up. If I were to bottle them up, eventually the relationship would be over because he would never know when he is doing something wrong and would never have the opportunity to fix it.

Tim's points:

1. He became more attracted to me when I had a passion for something. I admit that I don't really have a passion for anything right now. I'm not in school, I hate my job and yes, I've slacked on working out lately.

2. It is like we are going around in circles. For a few months we are really good and then for a few months we get bad again. And it happens over and over again. We keep repeating this cycle and it seems to be wearing us down.

3. I am hypersensitive to the things he says and does and it is aggravating that I constantly think that he is annoyed with me. I understand that... I get that. 

Is there anything about today that you would do differently?

I would smile more. My smiles are lacking in our relationship lately and I just want to smile. And laugh. Enjoy each other. And have a good conversation and maybe get to know each other more every day instead of sitting at a stand-still.

Did you learn anything about yourself?

I learned that I may be maturing a little bit by the way I tried to handle the situation tonight. I tried to stay calm and I also tried to be rational about the conversation. I admit that I regressed a little bit when it came to Tim telling me what is wrong with me. I notice sometimes that I act like a child throwing a temper tantrum. I'm also learning that I'm the kind of person who doesn't want to hear it from other people.

Did you learn anything about Tim?

I saw a more sensitive side of Tim tonight than I've seen lately. When I went to hug him, it just felt good. Those are the kind of moments I think I need. And when he whispered the "I'm sorry" into my ear, it felt genuine. Sometimes his sorry's are just to shut me up but he meant this one. And the "I couldn't live without you" hit home. 

Additional comments:

I love Tim. So much so that I want to work things out and if this blog helps, then let's do it. I can't imagine a life without him but I want to see things get better so bad. I need to do for him what he needs from me and vice versa. I think what we both need is the other to carry us through the bad times and just to stay positive and understand that we are together in this. It's not about "me", it's about "us".

We both forget the breeze... most of the time.

Thank you, Thor, for all of the nice things you commented on my last blog with :) I still have trouble believing that proves I'm more mature than I think. Are we sure that I'm not just whining? Or will these realizations actually change something in me? Will I grow up if I act on these realizations? I'm going to do what I can.

Before I get to working diligently on my book report on Cleopatra and Mark Anthony for my blasted Western Civilizations class, I need to get something off of my chest.

My dad was laid off from GM only 8 weeks ago and has already gotten a new job. Where? Cairo. Egypt. I am extremely happy for him. He is still under the terms of his severance and is going to be earning money from a new job on top of that. I am so proud of him. I know other parents or adults laid off from their automotive jobs who have hardly searched for new jobs, given up or are going back to school so that they can possibly find another job in the future. But my dad was persistent. He was offered three different jobs within the same week and is leaving on the 18th of November for a pretty seemingly decent job.

I admire persistence. It's a strong suit in a person. It gets a person what they want. If not now, in the future. But persistence can hardly ever hurt. I've only ever seen it achieve wonderful things in either the short or long run.

What bothers me is the changes that will have to be made. I'm going to have a lot more responsibility around here that will be thrust upon me in the next ten days and that scares the living hell out of me. On top of full-time schooling and part-time working, I will be taking care of my grandparents, my mom, and my sister, I'm sure. I'm afraid of how that will effect me.

I walked into the house after class today and saw my dad walking around frantically. I asked him if we're going to try to get the Christmas lights up before he leaves.

"I don't think I have time," he said.
"I can help," I answered. One of the things my dad LOVES doing this time of year is the lights. He puts up an elaborate array of lights on the house and puts them to music. He even paid for a radio station so that at night we wouldn't wake the neighbors with the music playing from our house.
"But then who will take them down?"
"I will. We can't just not do it. Teach me the things I need to know and I will do it."

I see how much my dad doesn't want to leave his family. He hates that he can't get a job here. But it's Michigan... no one can get a job here. And if they do, they're the luckiest people in the world.

I love my dad. I'm trying not to think about how much is going to change around here. My family is a family of girls. The only man persistent in my life has always been my father. I'm afraid to lose that.

I want to keep up my fathers dreams around here. Do the things we would normally do with him here. I want him to be happy there. I want him to know that we can live happy here. I want to miss him, but I don't want him to go. I want him to know we love him. I want him to know he doesn't have to worry about us. I want him to be confident that I'll do all I can to make things easier on my mom.

I hope I can help out around here. I hope it isn't too much to handle.

you belong with me

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."

Things have been a little rocky around the house lately. A week ago today my dad was "laid off" from General Motors. Not exactly too terribly shocking knowing the situation of the auto industry. It wasn't as if we hadn't been anticipating this possibility for months, either. I never thought that it would happen, to be honest. Out of twenty people in my dad's department, only one was let go...

I have been working a lot lately along with going to school, so I haven't been home all that much in the past week, but when I am home, I see how it has affected my family.

For the first two days, there wasn't a moment that I saw my mom and she wasn't crying. It's really hard for me, because I'm not so good at consoling people when they're upset. I never know what to say. I can't imagine how my mom and dad feel. But what I do know is that my mom feels like she's worthless because 1. she didn't graduate from college and 2. she doesn't think her income helps us very much.

I just know it's been really hard for them. And I am extremely unsure of what to do. I've been trying to be the positive one. Trying to be the one whose positive mood brings up the rest of the family... I've been making my payment deadlines, living according their rules, and even trying to take extra shifts at work to make sure that I won't end up screwing them over if something were to happen.

I had a lot more on my mind when I started this blog. Somehow I don't know what else to say.

". . . but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. . . and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life."

Miss California. You'll be kissed by only me.

Goals for the year.

1. Go to LA for Thanksgiving - start future planning; apartment searching, compile lists of job ideas, look at schools
2. Go to NYC for New Year's - preferrably stay in a hotel near Times Square, and stay for 2-3 nights, if possible and invite all friends to join, if they so choose
3. Save, save, save! And never stop saving. I will be able to make things happen.
4. Go out to LA in May to finalize future plans; check out available apartments to rent, apply for every job possible, also plan route to take and money needed to survive (actually... just plan EVERYTHING all year)
5. Although it seems that moving to LA is my main concern, my main focus IS going to be on school -- maintain a 3.5 or above GPA
6. Focus on work. Make money.
7. Don't stop believing.
8. Be a good friend.
9. Put others before myself.
10. Always at least TRY to maintain a positive attitude.
11. No no no no drama, as Fergie would say.
12. Choose friends wisely. Be careful not to let anyone hurt me as I've been hurt in recent pasts.
13. Family. Be good to them, do things for them, make them feel as if I have become a bigger and better person than ever.
14. Tell family of my plan to move to LA when I am sure it is possible and that they can't stand in my way.
15. Never lose confidence. Be all I can be and aspire for greater things.

Determination is key.

It's like I've waited my whole life for this one night.

Really. It's nights like these that I really appreciate the little moments in life.

I picked up a shift at work tonight. Work wasn't bad at all. Slow, but not unbearable and the money was decent. $60 more than I would have if I hadn't worked tonight, that's how I see it.

Afterward, I headed over to my best friend Sam's and hung out with some old friends who I haven't genuinely hung out with since high school. Greg, Pat and Matt. We all used to be in a tight-knit group of friends. Then college happened. Greg went off to University of Toledo, Matt to Michigan State and Pat to Grand Valley State. So, we all pretty much went our separate ways. It was nice to sit around the fire, smoke hooka and play never-have-I-ever with them. It was a good way to catch up and learn a little bit about the people we became after high school. Some things were shocking and revealing, and others were expected, to be honest, but the only thing that mattered was that we were all together.

In other news, I wanted to share with everyone some photography that I thought to be astounding. This kid went to high school with me and is a year younger than me and is pretty much the best photographer I know around here:
www.flickr.com/photos/peterbosch

I guess that's all I have for today. And well, hey. Some people really know how to make me smile.

We're adults... when did that happen?

"We're adults... when did that happen? And how do we make it stop?"

I'm going to be landing in Las Vegas in about exactly five days with my friend, Rae, coming in a day later. I'm looking forward to it and I'm getting more and more excited by the second. I have quite a few things I have yet to see there, and I've already been there four times before. Apparently there is a lot of stuff that I have neglected to see in the past. I guess you can't just walk the strip and expect to get the full effect of what Vegas is really about. While I'm out there I'll be venturing around with my best friend, Sam, who moved out there back in early May. I have family out there, too, so I'll be staying with a bunch of people. My sister and her new husband, my aunt, uncle and cousin or, well, Sam. So, I have my options.

We'll be driving out to LA early on the 11th and staying until late on the 13th. I really wanted a full 3 days there since the last time we only went for a day and it hardly felt like enough. This'll be my fourth time out there. Sam and her friends won't be driving out until the 12th, though, so Rae and I will probably have to find a place to stay on the 11th, even if it is at a rest stop off the highway. In LA there is definitely a list of things I want to do. The beach being #1. I have a few people I would like to see while I'm out there, as well. Some more than others, of course!

In other news, there are a couple of trailers I saw today that blew my mind.

The first is Greta:

I have always adored Hilary Duff. She is one of the few teenage celebrities who have managed to keep a straight-shooting life and I admire her for that. I think this movie has a unique storyline and compelling characters.

And the second is The Private Lives of Pippa Lee:

Blake Lively. Enough said.


So, let me get a little bit serious now. (And I'm going to let you know that I need to write my feelings so don't read them if you don't wanna read anything mushy, unintendingly dramatic, and well... just serious.)

It has been over eight months since I have even remotely opened myself up to a guy. I haven't really been able to give a guy the light of day, whether they like me or I think I like them. It's not that I've given up, but I think it's that I shut down for a while. So, when I found someone who seemed worth my time, well, it just happened to be that it was also bad timing, bad location and just overall complicated. I don't know where I stand and frankly, I don't really mind. All I care about is that I don't end up screwing up anything that has potential. When I say anything, I mean anything. I can get a hint if there's one to be taken, I can mosey along and go on with it all, and I most certainly can settle for nothing more than friends. I've known that. It all comes down to the next few weeks, I guess.

i've got nothing for you to gain.

(If you've read the entry before this, you can probably skip this first paragraph) I am 150% furious right now. Most of you actually have been following me on twitter and reading my appalling updates and all of your shock put together doesn't even compare to my own. I am in the worst state of shock I have ever been in. What a terrible turn of events.

Now, we all pretty much know that I did nothing rude to the customer. I handled it as any employee would have handled it, did I not?

This morning I went in to have that little talk with my manager due to the complaining customer from the last blog entry (if you haven't read my last entry, that might be there place to start). They sat me down around 11:15 and began to talk to me about the situation. First, they heard my story. I tried to print out the story from my last blog entry to bring in to show them, but my printer failed me. Surprise, surprise. Intead, I tried to tell them what happened in the exact order of events. I felt like my story held it's own, so I figured there was nothing to worry about.

They then told me what the customer told them. He told them that he had gotten the worst customer service he has ever gotten. He also said that he walked out without the waffle cones, which, when reviewed on the video cameras, he clearly had walked out with. THE BEST PART IS THIS. When he said: "There isn't going to be a next time. Seriously, Courtney. I'm never coming back here." he told them that I replied with "Fine. Don't come back." ARE YOU KIDDING? I know how to handle a customer and that is the LAST thing I would have said. I didn't say a word between when he said he wasn't coming back, until he stormed out. I was evermore furious at that.

Then they told me that they were the ones to make the decision, but that Brian (the store owner) had said that they could fire me if they wanted to but: "We don't want to do that." I sat there waiting for my punishment (my punishment for doing absolutely nothing wrong, mind you).

"Brian suggested that we at least give you a week off of the schedule..." I got upset at this. There is no reason I should have any sort of punishment at all. Taking me off the schedule will not help me at all. My financial troubles right now already called for me to go searching for a SECOND job, losing hours on the first job is not something I could really handle. I started to cry. For a moment, I could feel the fury surfacing and I knew that if I didn't stop and take a quick breather, that I'd simply explode.

"Sorry, but I have to leave for a second." I proceeded toward the back door and went outside to catch a breath of air. I called my mom after 30 seconds and started to calm down. She informed me that I should probably look for another job and stay with this one only until I am stable in a new job.

I hung up less than a minute later, composed myself and walked back through the door and towards the manager and assistant manager. I sat down. I told them that it wasn't up to me but I relayed what my mom had said to them. They asked me to sign a sheet of paper indicating that I'd gotten a verbal warning. I signed it. They also asked me if I wanted to write any comments on there. So I wrote a brief explanation of what happened, since the owner didn't have to guts to confront me himself.

I went home... upset but knowing that I could still go back to the job in a week. My manager logged onto AIM and started talking to me about it saying: "You know that I didn't want to do that to you." Etc. Etc. BLAH BLAH BLAH. I informed her that I was a little tired of the way Brian ran things and that I was probably going to look for a second job anyway. I also told her that I wouldn't screw her over by up-and-quitting, but that if I found a stable job outside of this one, I would put in my two weeks so that it wouldn't make it harder on her. I told her this as a friend, not a co-worker. The conversation ended for a little bit.

Around 2 PM, I got an IM from her. "I'm going to call you."
"Um. Okay?" I said.
"?" She asked.
"You never call me," I answered.
"I don't want to..." she said.

I then got a phone call. She explained to me that I was immature about the situation. Walking out to catch a breath of air is apparently an immature move. They also thought that because I was so upset, that I wouldn't take the job seriously anymore. They judged me. Both of them. They both decided that I was going to go about the job negatively. I think it's a bit sad that they had to judge me instead of seeing the way I would work after everything that just happened. A week off would certainly have been fine. The only thing that bothered me was how angry my mom was and how hard it would be to have a week off. I shouldn't have even gotten my hours cut at all because this wasn't my fault.

I feel like Brian doesn't handle anything on his own. I haven't even SEEN him in over 2 months, let alone TALK to him. The fact that I was fired by a friend was even worse.

I still feel like the customer was only looking to cause trouble and get free stuff by complaining. I hope he's happy that he got me fired.